Daniel Jackson was in his lab, intently studying the latest squiggles — er, ancient and vitally important writing which would probably reveal both the secrets of life and a way to defeat the Goa’uld - that SG-1 had retrieved from a foreign planet, when it happened.

Up until it happened, Daniel had been having a pretty ordinary Tuesday night, really. Uh, make that a pretty ordinary Wednesday morning - Daniel had stayed up until 2 AM again, something he had started doing far too often.

The vitally important ancient writing was really cool, but Daniel shuddered to remember the events surrounding its discovery. Anubis melting, replicators falling in love, Jack screaming. And blubbering. And killing a beautiful young woman with fiendish glee.

Determined not to think of the disturbing-on-many-levels events of late, Daniel leaned back over the writing, studying it with his intense blue eyes.

And then ... (drum roll) ... it happened.

So we already said that. So what. Get over it!

Anyway, back to it, which in our story timeline was currently happening. Daniel’s first clue that something strange was occurring was the gentle and mandatorily beautiful glow filling the room. His second clue was that a stunning and strangely familiar young woman was standing in front of him. The third clue was that she was standing in his desk. Not on it or under it ... in it. She was standing there glowing benevolently as if it was the most normal thing in the universe to stand in a desk and glow benevolently.

“That’s strange,” Daniel mumbled, still immersed in the many adventures of King Wanna-hocka-lugi. “I was sure no one could get in here.”

His door was, after all, locked. And barricaded with heavy furniture. And welded shut. And surrounded by one of those nifty force field thingies. And guarded by seven very large and fierce Jaffa.

Dr. Daniel Jackson needed privacy while he worked. Lots of privacy.

This beautiful, radiant, glowing, serene, wondrous, lovely, ravishing woman was really beginning to get on Daniel’s nerves, so he looked up directly into her face, momentarily forgetting the fascinating tale of King Wanna-hocka-lugi, whose goal in life had been to win a spitting contest.

The world stood still.

No, literally. It stood still.

With the small exception of a juvenile lizard deep in the Amazon rainforest, who for some reason was immune to the world-standing-still principle and made good use of his opportunity to knock off all the other juvenile lizards who had been tormenting him most of his life, thus beginning an illustrious career as the most infamous lizard serial killer in Amazon history.

Which of course has nothing to do with our story.

Daniel was falling in love. He couldn’t help it. The woman’s beauty, grace, serenity, humility, splendor, magnificence, and all-around glowiness was overwhelming his senses.

Then, with a shock, an actual shock because he had just inadvertently stuck a fork into an electrical socket, Daniel realized who this vision of glowiness was.

He screamed.

The seven big Jaffa guarding his door were unaffected, having learned from experience that Dr. Jackson sometimes did strange things, such as reciting the first four books of the Bible backward in Croatian. Perhaps he had just discovered that High Princess Shabalatiugalahan had been fed to alligators four thousand years ago. It was really none of their concern, although the glow coming from his lab was quite ... groovy. Tubular, even.

“Captain Mary Sue Davis!” Daniel gasped, finally managing to pry himself free from the electrical outlet, unaware that his seemingly accidental act of shocking himself senseless had in fact been the heroic attempt of his subconscious to kill him before he could fall into the clutches of (gasp!) Mary Sue.

“I thought Jack killed you,” Daniel said, unconsciously speaking in Farsi, which was no problem for Captain Davis because she spoke pretty much every language that had ever existed. “I mean, it’s not like I hoped he had killed you or anything. I just thought he had. I did attend your funeral.” He slipped into German, followed by Greek and finally an obscure dialect of Goa’uld.

“Yes, you attended my funeral,” Mary Sue said, her voice melodious and alluring and musical and harmonious. If at all possible, her glowingness actually made her more beautiful than she had been before. Her face suddenly took on a sad cast, causing every tree within 273 miles to immediately shed its leaves out of sympathy for her innocent grief, and both Teal’c and his symbiote to burst into hysterical sobs in the midst of kel’noreem. “But you did not seem at all sad, Daniel,” Mary Sue added, “and you in fact stood up to announce, ‘Ding dong, the witch is dead’.”

Daniel gulped and backpedaled, bumping into his desk and breaking several priceless and several million year old artifacts. “Yes, but I meant that in a good - er, sad - way!” He said desperately, then attempted to change the subject away from any topic which might make Mary Sue feel like frying him with that really wicked lightning. “How are you here? I saw you die with my very own eyes!”

“I escaped from the ship by Stargate just before it exploded,” Mary Sue responded promptly, then got an expression on her face. If it were possible for her to become confused, one might say her expression was one of confusion, but of course it’s not possible for her to become confused, so she definitely wasn’t. “Oh, wait,” she added, “sorry, that was Apophis and Klorel.” If it were possible for her to make a mistake, one might say she had, but it isn’t, so she definitely hadn’t. “I ascended, Daniel,” Mary Sue explained melodiously and harmoniously. “After all, everyone loves me, including Oma Desala and at least eleven extremely evil terrorists, and I’m sweet and perfect and gentle with an open mind and good will toward all, so it was a very simple process to ascend.”

“If you’ve ascended and all that, why aren’t you - wherever the ascended go?” Daniel asked, unable to remember exactly what it was that ascended beings did all the time, since his good buddy Oma had done the sweet little memory wiping thing before dropping him embarrassingly naked on some weird planet.

“I have been sent with a very important message,” Mary Sue replied gently and sweetly, her glow becoming brighter and even more ... psychedelic. Far out, even.

“If the cat is on fire, and the dog, despite being brown, does not chase it, then know this: the moon will certainly not be purple until all rivers have been returned to their rightful owner. This broadcast is presented by the authority of the office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form and the accounts and descriptions of this broadcast may not be disseminated without express written consent,” Mary Sue said. Melodiously.

Daniel blinked.

Twice.

Then he screamed.

And ran for the door.

Which, unfortunately, was so protected that not only was it impossible for an outside party to enter, it was equally impossible for Daniel himself to escape. He zapped himself on the force field five times before it finally occurred to him that this was not the way to escape.

Mary Sue stood by patiently, pouting beautifully as she watched her latest prey attempt to escape. Daniel was now the subject of the author’s latest crush and therefore, Mary Sue must somehow cause him to fall in love with her. They could then settle down together and have lots of adventures and beautiful babies.

She’d been awfully close at one point; he had nearly fallen in love with her. If only he hadn’t attempted to electrocute himself. Men tended to do such drastic things when confronted with the prospect of spending eternity with her. Things like killing her. Or themselves. She couldn’t figure it out; she was beautiful! And perfect! And pretty much all around marvelous!

“And annoying!” Jack’s voice said from the back of the room.

Due to a rather large plot hole, or possibly a previously undiscovered ability to walk through force fields and metal doors and heavy furniture, Jack had suddenly appeared in the room, armed with his P-90 and ready to finish what he’d started back on P-whatever whatever whatever.

Damn, but he looked cute in his green BDU’s and baseball cap. His hair was kinda unruly and he had the most beautiful dark brown eyes. The author leaned her chin on her hand and gazed at him speculatively. No two ways about it, he may have serious Mary Sue issues, but he was dang well gorgeous. Completely gorgeous. Really nice butt, too.

Jack shrieked in horror.

And disappeared.

The author shrugged; well, she’d helped him discover his new magical abilities of disappearance, hadn’t she? Or maybe Thor had beamed him up to save him from a fate worse than death, namely being chased across the galaxy by Mary Sue because the author had fallen back in love with him, but that was completely beside the point.

Daniel, having felt the stirring of hope with the sudden and completely unexpected appearance of his mother hen/big brother/best friend/frequent protector, found himself horrifically alone and at the mercy of Ascended Mary Sue, who was if at all possible even more frightening than Non-Ascended Captain Mary Sue Davis.

Daniel did the only thing he could do under the circumstances.

He shot the large glass window which had magically appeared in his lab, then jumped through in a shower of powdery white glass particles.

The Kelownan scientists looked up from their naquadria bomb, their expressions sheepish. “Oops,” one of them said, just before dying in agony. “Sorry, wrong episode. You must have stumbled across one of those time thingies, dude, because you’re so back in season five.”

“NOOOOO!” Daniel screamed in horror. “This is the one where I ascended, and if I ascend, I’ll have to be with Mary Sue for eternity!”

The author smiled evilly.

Daniel saw his one last opportunity. The bomb was starting to get really wiggy and in a few minutes it would totally wipe out bunches of innocent Kelownans, and there was no way Daniel was going to sacrifice himself this time. Not if it meant eternally being with Her Glowiness Mary Sue The Melodious-Voiced Ascended.

“Mary Sue!” He turned toward her, his expression suitably frantic. “The bomb! You have to help us! If you don’t heroically and selflessly sacrifice your own life, lots of people will die, and that would be really selfish of you and totally not in keeping with your total perfection!”

“You’re right,” Mary Sue replied bravely, and turned herself back into mortal form so she could actually grab the bomb. Showing a great deal of courage, daring, fearlessness, valor, and selflessness, she disarmed the bomb, but didn’t die a horrible and messy death afterward, which would have been very un-Mary Sue like. Her skin remained clear and radiant and unblemished; she merely crumpled to the floor and perished with beautiful courage.

The rest of the Goa’uld system lords killed themselves. As did 9,438 clams, fifteen surviving Nazi war criminals and twenty-nine angels.

Jack magically reappeared and threw his arms around Daniel as both of them cried tears of relief.

Mary Sue was gone.

For good ... ?

The author smiled evilly.